What Happens When the Heart Just Stops by Mr. Glen Hansard
I love this song, it’s just so amazing. I should probably not be sitting around listening to sad songs. I used to sneer at people who were in love and now I’m smitten and sorrowful. I miss him so much it just eats me alive…there is a hollow in my chest…I just feel this so much…
Being away from you is harder than I ever imagined. Not being able to touch you drives me insane. I wish so much to feel your fingers trail across my face. To feel you breathe softly next to me. It’s an exquisite torture to be able to see you and not touch you. I find myself focusing on small things like your fingers and the hairs on the back of your hands and how I want to grab you and hold you and never let you go. Every week I look forward to seeing you. A paltry 30 minutes is all we get yet I treasure it nonetheless. I find myself missing odd things like your voice, your smile and your laugh. I miss curling up on your lap like a cat. I miss watching Portlandia with you. Life is drab and dreary without you near. The Inquisitors could not have devised such cruel torture as seeing you and not touching you; hearing you and not feeling you and leaving you over and over and over again…
I used to look at you and see you as children. I now see pain and degradation. I’d take away your suffering but you’re unwilling to relent. It eats you whole it rips you apart and blindly you go on. How can I wake you up from this self induced nightmare? How can I make you see there is nothing at the end of this fruitless road? How can I change your path? I would scream and shout and holler if it would wake you. I would perform an auto da fe if it would break you of this endless cycle of torment, self loathing and idiocy. I fear I am not strong enough to come between you and your true love. Watching you chase the white dragon eviscerates my very soul. It flays me alive. It breaks me on the rack. All my wailing is for naught…you’ll change if you want too, how do I accept that? How do I let you go?
My favorite artist the eminent genius Yoshitaka Amano
Wow, I have not written any poetry in a long time. I know, surprise, surprise. I definitely need some practice. I like to write spontaneously, from the heart, I don’t adhere to any set rules of writing. I just spit out what’s on my mind.
I have been having a horrible year, let alone week. My health is fucked and I am tired but I push on like the Black Knight in Monty Python’s The Holy Grail…it’s just a flesh wound! I can still fight, you haven’t taken my spirit you foul oppressor. So fuck you, I will prevail I will not let illness hold me in it’s maw. So take your labels and your drugs and go.
I am perched on a precipice, teetering on despair. I can feel her gaze through her myriad maze of mirrors gently inserting her hooks in my heart. “Oh how I’ve missed you”, she whispers? “Oh that you missed me too…” but nay, nay, nay I’ll not let her in…even though she is an old dear friend.
Delirium beckons from her kaleidoscope corner “Oh my love do come over. The sights I can show you, you’d love it here.” I back away as she is all too familiar and all too near.
Dream lurks about in the shadows and seams. “Oh my darling, why did you ever leave? There are realms of vast untapped story. Just slip into me but tarry too long and you may never leave.”
I run from all three smack into Destiny waiting every patient and eternally blind. “What should I choose?” I ask. “Why does it hurt so?: I whine. His silence is heavy as he slowly ponders forward in his fearsome task.
I always wonder why do bad things happen? Well, they just do. Sometimes, life is not fair. It pretty much mostly sucks. However, it pretty much rocks as well. There is so much beauty all around us, we just have to reach out and touch it. It’s so easy to retreat into our own little world of despair, delirium and dreams but then we never experience Life. We run from death all our lives when she is really nothing to fear. We should embrace her because she is part of life. We should love with abandon and live as if there will be no tomorrow.
I’m afraid of love, of truly loving and truly letting somebody else in. Truly loving someone leaves you stark naked and alone. Will they love me too? Will I be good enough? I’ve decided to no longer live in fear, fear of my shadow, fear of pain, fear of myself ultimately. I’ve decided to let him in and accept his love no matter how flawed. I’ve decided to surrender and love him fiercely. I may get bruised and battered but at least I will have experienced something real…
I miss you so much. It rips me in half, it shits me out then does it again. I don’t want to feel this, I’d rather retreat but this feeling is awesome and you love me so well. It’s time that I stop fighting and fretting and second guessing. I love you. So fuck fear. I can’t wait to live my life with you. I can’t wait for you to come home.
This poem is by a friend of mine by the nom de plume of Bonafide Rojas…it is also achingly beautiful…
I literally cannot stop listening to this…the passion and pain just speak to me…it breaks my heart and astounds my soul…
I want to be loved like this, so deeply and truly…
so madly…
sadness stalks me
like a ravening beast
slobbering in my wake
oh foul demon begone begone
but it lumbers on silently
eating away
my joy
my pain
my tears…
This tree in my parents backyard reminds me of the Ent Fangorn from The Lord of the Rings trilogy…
I have found that a positive mental outlook helps so much in dealing with chronic pain and sickness. Some days I just want to say fuck it all but I still drag myself out of bed and face the day. Lying about and bemoaning my fate does nothing but make me feel worse. I spent far too much time doing that. Some days, granted I cannot get out of bed, but I still try to get up and get around.
I have found that keeping myself occupied helps so much. I play on tumblr, listen to music, play video games, photography, read, look at art, think, talk to friends among other things. I think writing helps as well.
Ultimately though, my attitude affects how I feel the most. It’s so hard to feel good when you feel sick and in pain. You have to consistently tell yourself it’s not as bad as you think, it could be worse and be grateful for the things you can do and do have. If you consistently think everything sucks, it will but if you consistently tell yourself that you are blessed to be alive and breathing you will find that you start to feel better. It takes practice but it does work!
Find something beautiful around you and focus on that! 
It's been a Long Arduous Trip... 